Beyond Abuse Essential Healing

Crying in the bathroom not wanting to be heard, a sick feeling set in from both physical and emotional pain. A voice from another room called out, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” But that was a hollow promise. Threats of “If you tell anyone, I will kill you” were uttered shortly after as the panic of what he’d done set in. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last. Unfortunately, I stayed quiet too long.

This all started in 1996 with my first marriage. Because of insecurities stemming from my childhood, I was blind to the red flags before I married him. Not long after the wedding day, the degrading comments started, and about three months later, the criticisms encompassed everything about me, including the way I looked, my cooking, housekeeping, and everything in between. It got progressively worse as he made comments in front of family and friends. As time went on, he progressed to sexual abuse, followed by physical abuse, making sure to only leave marks that would not be seen with my clothing on.

My story is not unique, it has become more prevalent not only in the United States but throughout the world. Cultural and religious traditions affect how society views such abuse. From my perspective, it was unfamiliar territory until it happened to me. When that reality hit, I was too scared to say anything, and I had no idea where to turn for help. Gratefully, a friend who understood exactly what was going on because she was going through a similar thing was able to pick up on the signs and intervene.

Reviewing Trends

This is becoming an alarming trend. In 1998, I was one of approximately 744,889 women who were reported as being involved in intimate partner violence in the United States (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1999). Back then it was referred to as Domestic Violence (DV). I believe the number of victims is much higher because many victims stay in relationships never reporting the abuse. For me, it took over a year and a half to report my abuse for the first time.

According to estimates from the National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS), one million violent crimes against individuals were committed in 1998 by their partners, girlfriends, or current or past spouses known as Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). A Special Report on Intimate Partner Violence stated, “In 1998, there were roughly 876,340 victims of intimate partner abuse, of which 85% were women” 11% of the nation’s murders in 1998 were also attributed to IPV (Rennison et al., 2000).

Restorative Programs

            The research article Family and Community Approaches to Intimate Partner Violence: Restorative Programs in the United States addresses the need to rethink our approach to end IPV with the intervention of police and the legal system. We need a restorative approach that looks at the combination of those involved which includes, the person being harmed, the person causing the harm, family members including children, and the community networks for support. Unfortunately, we currently rely heavily on legal intervention which includes arrest, incarceration, family separation, and other legal services. These services have disproportionately imprisoned minorities such as the impoverished, immigrants, people who are Brown or Black, and members of the LGBTQ+ community (Pennell et al., 2020).

            Adopting a restorative approach is not aimed at restoring those causing harm to the home, but rather focuses on creating a safer home and community. The restorative approach intends to support all participants, including those harmed, those causing harm, and their communities. This requires engaging dialog between all the parties by paying close attention to the desires and safety of both adult and child survivors. Unlike court hearings and investigations, restorative processes are not about fact-finding to determine fault and apply punishment, which would only limit discussion and take decision-making from the family and community. The intention of a restorative approach is as follows:

• To establish unofficial, voluntary, and community-managed mechanisms that promote open dialog, moral ideals, and emotional expression from all parties involved.
• Discuss the needs of the person causing harm, of the person being harmed, and the children affected.
• Encourage the person harming to acknowledge their actions and their responsibility for making things better.
• Focusing on a socially just outcome for all parties.

Time for Change

We need to work together to find an alternative approach that incorporates the restorative model with the legal system to reduce the number of IPV and DV victims. Too often societies use the restorative model secondary to the current legal system approach. There are advocacy groups across the United States that have worked within their local government to create programs. We need more advocates working together to create a nationwide change. Are you ready to lend your voice to change the future of IPV and domestic violence? Learn more about IPV and domestic violence in your community and consider joining an advocacy group now. Here are a few places you can start:

• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• Sheros United
• Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence (BTSADV)
• National Network to End Domestic Violence

If you or someone you know needs help getting out the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support around the clock at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

References

Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999). Criminal Victimization, 1998: Changes 1997-98 with Trends 1993-98.  https://bjs.ojp.gov/library/publications/criminal-victimization-1998-changes-1997-98-trends-1993-98

Bureau of Justice Statistics (2023). Criminal Victimization. https://bjs.ojp.gov/library/publications/criminal-victimization-2022

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2018). The National Domestic Violence Hotline. The National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/

Pennell, J., Burford, G., Sasson, E., Packer, H., & Smith, E. L. (2020). Family and Community Approaches to Intimate Partner Violence: Restorative Programs in the United States. Violence against Women, 107780122094503. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801220945030

Rennison, C., Welchans, S., & Statisticians, B. (2000). Intimate Partner Violence. https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/ipv.pdf