What Am I Supposed to Feel Now that My Abuser is Dead?

Trigger Warning: This post is all about triggers. Triggers are different for everyone. You never know when they are going to show up. I am sharing in hopes of helping others.

I received a message on Facebook from someone I had mutual friends with and I am instantly triggered. I am going to leave out the backstory for privacy reasons. But I check with one of our mutual friends to see if it is safe to respond.  In her reply she told me her friend had asked and I quote, “if I knew whether you’d been married before. She told me about him passing away. She said she wanted to tell you. ”


At first I thought it had to be an elaborate hoax to get to me, for my X-husband to find me. Then I found his obituary. Weirdest half truth obituary I have ever read. Then I was triggered even more and angry.

From there I was happy and relieved. I even texted a few friends asking them if they thought it was wrong to do the happy dance that my X was dead. I know longer would have to worry about him finding me, me running into him in a public place or him hurting me anyone else again.

But after hitting send the guilt set in. What kind of horrible person am I to think this way. Have I not truly forgiven him and moved on with my life?

No one ever prepared me for this, no one ever talks about anything like this for that matter. I ask JJ what I am supposed to do. The funeral was in a couple of days and my curious side wants to go, but I don’t want to have see or have anything to do with his family. WOW, I am drowning in emotions. Emotions that I don’t understand!

I let my family know longer need to worry. They ask me how I feel. Well I don’t really know. I am swinging from Relief to Grief. What??? Why am I grieving?

Oh the nightmares, memories, and dreams I had which came with even more mixed emotions. But then there where all of the feelings and body reactions that come with them. I woke up in pain like I had been raped and beaten up. Through out the day I had body tremors. What was happening to me?

I had a friend walk me through and energy exercise and I thought I was going to be fine. They I want out with another friend so I would not be home alone. I was fine until I wasn’t. My body started hurting again and the emotions too.

I was on edge. I couldn’t make sense of my emotions or the responses my body was having. I ended up being short tempered with my family. I went to bed early thinking that I just needed sleep because I had not sleep much the night before. NOPE, that didn’t help it was just a repeat of the night before.

JJ stayed home with me so we could work through what was happening. Which was super helpful. Then I messaged my Emotion and Body Code Practitioner and she gave me some tips. As we talked, I silently prayed and we set some intentions that my X could no longer have tethers to me and could no longer effect me. I started feeling relief, true relief from the emotional roller coaster I had been on.

As I have pondered this experience I realized I can’t be the only one that this has or will happen to. I have spent the last 22 years always looking over my shoulder when in public. It was always in the back of my mind that I was not safe from him. But I never imagined how much of an impact finding out about his death would have on me.

Now I pray that I can put this chapter of my life to rest. I acknowledge triggers may still arise, but there is peace knowing it is not a true threat any more.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.