Warning: Post contains information that may trigger some people, but I feel it is important to share.
Recently I have been experiencing triggers that I have been working through in counseling. As I have exploring these triggers, some of the concepts I have learned have started making more sense to me. Our lives are full of events and our interpretations of what those events mean. Each experience adds to our interpretations of sequential events in our lives. Events from our childhood shape how we see the world and how we handle events in our adult life.
Example: A child trips and falls on the playground, other children who observe the child trip start laughing and making fun of the child. The child that trips may take the teasing personally, they may have thoughts of how stupid or klutzy they are. Fast forward to that child as an adult that then trips in public and falls. All of the thoughts from childhood will return as they handle the situation. Each of the observers of that fall will also experience it with their own thoughts based the experiences they have had with tripping. Some will laugh, others will feel sorry for the person and others will offer assistance.
Before I proceed with my discovery I want to acknowledge my parents for giving me life and doing the best they knew how. I know they were making the best decisions for their family as they were raising us. I am who I am because of my parents and their teachings, the trials and experiences I have gone through. I love my parents dearly and I am grateful for them.
When I was in preschool my teacher had our parents write something “special” about their child to share with the class. My mom wrote about how she did not know she was pregnant with me until she got sick while riding motorcycles with my dad at the sand dunes. She got so sick she ended up at the hospital where she found out she was expecting me in 4 ½ months and that I was a surprise. Some of the kids teased me that I was a born on a motorcycle. I interpreted this as surprises were bad, that I was not wanted by my parents and how could they really love me if they didn’t want me.
Each time I got in trouble, I viewed my parents discipline through the eyes of they don’t love me, they didn’t want me anyway. I desperately wanted to be wanted. I had a lot of friends growing up, but was teased often for my size, reading and other things. Each time I was teased added to the interpretation that I was not wanted and that their was something wrong with me. Regardless of my parents telling me they loved me I still viewed it through the experience of yes, but you didn’t want me. Hearing what a blessing a younger sibling was added to the interpretation that I was not wanted.
As teenager, not being asked to school dances or invited to parties added another layer of insecurity and my interpretation of not being wanted. I started questioning if I really had friends or if people where only friends with me because they felt sorry for me or because of the things I did for them. (I had been taught from a very young age to serve and help others.)
When X, asked me out on a second date I felt wanted. It felt good to be wanted. I didn’t see some of the signs that something was wrong, because he filled a very deeply rooted need in my life. When we were married, I interpreted the frequency of our sexual intimacy to be because he desired and wanted me. It was not until the first time he raped me that I realized it was not. Once again I found myself desiring to be wanted.
That desire to be wanted continues to be a filter in which I measure the different events of my life. During my last counseling session I realize that some of the reason I have been spiraling is because of the interpretation made by a preschooler. I discovered that it continues to effect the way I interpret my interactions with my parents and family. Because of that my parents and siblings trigger me more than anyone else. I relate to the family I grew up with from the perspective that I am not wanted so who I am and my opinions are not important. Each event added a new interpretations to the stories of my childhood. This has lead to the perfect storm for me and a complete breakdown with the majority of my family.
Separating my perspective from events will take time. I need to practice seeing what happens vs the interpretation I am placing on it. I have had over 30 years of seeing my life through the eyes of a wounded preschooler. I may always have the desire to feel wanted and needed, but my hope is that it won’t continue to trigger the cycle of depression and suicidal thoughts.
Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.