Warning: Post contains information that may trigger some people, but I feel it is important to share.
I was the first one in my family to get a divorce. None of my friends had been through a divorce. I felt alone, scared, insecure, unlovable, and broken. I grew up in a family that didn’t really talk about our feelings. My parents, family and friends didn’t ask about what I had gone through. I didn’t know how to start the conversation with them either.
The first month of our separation I stayed with my parents. It was hard being an adult back under my parents home with younger siblings. I disrupted their routine and shared a room with one of my sisters. I don’t remember many details of that time. I believe I have blocked it out. I have been told by others that my parents were highly protective of me while telling others not to ask questions. They did not understand how isolated it made me.
When I was alone I heard voices telling me how stupid, fat, useless and unwanted I was. When X reach out to reconcile I would do one of two things. First call the police and report the violation of protective order or second I would talk to him and consider making our marriage work.
On one attempt to work on our marriage I went went on a date with him to a group event. When one of the other men (a long time friend from when I was in High School) told me I look nice and started talking to me, he started yelling at him and then me. Then when I went on a business tip he call the hotel multiple times he went from wanting me to come home, to threats of harming me. When I stopped answering the phone he let threatening messages. I was afraid to return from my trip and decided to get a protective order to protect myself. Facing X in court was difficult, but I made it through and my petitions were granted which also granted me possession of our home.
Unfortunately the protective order did not deter him. He knew he could not contact me or come near our home so X came after me while I was attending church. Gratefully others from the congregation including my Aunt & Uncle helped me get away and to safety. My world was shaken up more than I even imagined. To add to the isolation, I had to change where I attended church. When changing I decided not to share my past and what I was going through with the new congregation. I attended church with my older sister and made a few new friends which is where I met Jay Jay. (That is another story of its own.)
Once I moved back into my own home, I changed all of the locks, but still didn’t feel 100% safe. I kept myself busy working 3 jobs so I could pay my bills and so I didn’t have to be alone. We where separated for 3 months before I finally made the decision to get divorced. During that time X would go from super sweet to violent. I never knew what to expect during our interactions. When I was alone I worried about X showing up or breaking in.
Once my divorce was final I got a roommate, but that did not take the fear away. At the started I didn’t sleep well and suffered from nightmares. I was very self conscience and felt like damaged goods. I started hanging out with old friends as well as those that I had met attending a new church. It took one day at a time. Some days were good, others were bad. I never new what would trigger me.
Each person will have their own experience getting out of an abusive marriage. Gratefully I made it out alive. My heart breaks each time I hear of someone who did not. I know that I was blessed not to have children involved which made it so there was no interaction needed once the divorce was final. X still made contact and violated the protective order.
Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and my intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.