Where Am I? What is going on? It’s Just a Dream

Warning: Post contains content and  information that may trigger some people. I feel it is important to share in hope that it will help others.

Am I being followed, I walk as fast as I can, but I can’t shake him. I want to run, but can’t. X grabs me, turns me around to face him and says he loves me. He promises to never hurt me again. Frozen by fear, I go numb.

WAKE UP, WAKE UP, it’s just a dream.

Am back in my old house cooking dinner, I hear the door open. X walks up behind me and forces me into the bedroom. He is on top of me, removing my clothes, and kissing me. NO, STOP

AWAKE UP, AWAKE UP, it’s just a dream.

MUSIC PLAYING

Where Am I? What is going on? I am exhausted, my heart is pounding. Is Warrior(my oldest daughter) safe, did X hurt her. JJ touches me gently and asks if I am okay.

It was just a dream.

Over the years I have woken myself up from hundreds of nightmares and hundreds more by the alarm clock, JJ, or a combination of the two. Regardless of how I wake up I can’t get out of bed. I know it is a dream, but I am numb, scared and trapped. Some mornings it is just mild anxiety other mornings the dreams are paralyzing. I spiral, into a cycle of depression, self abuse and wishing I was dead.

Why are the dreams so real? Why does X have such control over me?

Sometimes I can recall every detail of the nightmare and I wake up numb or frozen, I can’t get out of my head and it takes awhile to sort through things. I wake up confused between the dream and reality, which leaves me paralyzed (for lack of a better word), irritable and paranoid.  Other times all I can remember is the fear and terror. Regardless of if I can remember or not, I often have a headache, I don’t want to be touched, and am still tired when I wake up.

The nightmares not only affect me, they affect my husband and children. In general we are a very cuddly, playful family, but I can’t handle any of that when I am waking up from a nightmare. I often have to ask my children to leave me alone for a while so I can “awake up”. Sometimes my husband can help me transition so I can work through my emotions and get my day started. But other times he can’t and I lay in bed stuck in a spiral, frozen by fear. Sometimes it is all I can do to get out of bed. It affects my whole day.

As I have been going through counseling I have discovered, every fear, every insecurity I have past or present manifests in my dreams as X. The nightmare can be triggered by something that happens during the day, someone saying something, stress, or because of exhaustion. When people started telling me how much Warrior looks like me. I feared X running into her in public. Shortly after I began having nightmares where X would kidnap her and rape her. When my parents where in a car accident the nightmares increased in their intensity.

When the nightmares are bad, I struggle to fall asleep. I am taking the steps I need to work through my abuse, fears, anxiety and depression with my counselor and JJ. I have found that listening to a deep sleep meditation can help. I also defuse Lavender, and Vetiver at night as I fall asleep. In the mornings, I listen to my scriptures and positive  affirmations to help me wake up and get out of the spiral. I can’t say that it always works. Some days are better then others.

Just like with depression and anxiety, nightmares manifest differently for everyone that experiences them. If you are experiencing nightmares, I encourage you to work with a counselor and find things that help you to work through them.

Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

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