Raw Depression – Unedited

Warning: Post contains content and  information that may trigger some people.

This is me, unedited. Spiraling out of control. WHAT HAVE I DONE?????

SURE, NO PROBLEM, I CAN DO THAT.

Wait, what are you thinking? I don’t want to be away from JJ. I don’t want to be away from my kids. I love camping, I love cooking, I can do this.

Once again, I have overcommitment myself, put others first and I can’t let others down. Homemaker, Spouse, Mother, Friend, Church Member, Employee, Volunteer, ETC, ETC, ETC.

Service with a smile, I enjoy helping others, I can do this.

Things are not going a planning. I try to spend time with JJ, but the timing is not right. I can’t do this. What was I thinking?

Father’s Day is coming up. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to fix JJ for Breakfast, wait he won’t even be here for breakfast. What can I fix for Dinner? He would rather Grill or Smoke Meat for himself. Then what am I going to do? I want to contribute, I want to cook something special, but we are trying to eat healthier. I can’t show my love and appreciation through food. What and I going to do? Wait, how did I even get to this point?

I should just go to bed.

I can’t.

My heart is racing. I’m broken! What do I have to offer? I can’t find peace, the calm, the center. I am scared. My actions are based of fear. I am spiraling out of control. How can I help other when I can’t help myself. JJ and the kids don’t deserve this. They are important to me. I want them to be happy. I want good memories with them. How do I show them I love them that doesn’t include food. I want to be healthy and make good choices. I WANT APPLE FRITTER. I want the comfort of a sugary treat. NO, I don’t I want to be healthy. I am tired of the fight. Why and I falling apart?

I pray, I pray for understanding. I pray for strength and sleep. I grateful for the amazing things I have been blessed with; my husband, my children, my home, my friends, my job, etc.

I fall asleep.

Roll over.

I am a mess, why am I awake? I have screwed up with JJ. What do I keep doing this. I need to get up early and workout. I should be asleep.

I pray again, “Heavenly Father, guide me help me understand what I am supposed to learn from all of this. Please help me sleep. Please help me understand.”

I fall asleep.

What time is it? Here we go again. I am crazy! What does JJ even get out of this relationship? Why does he stay? He deserves so much better. I can’t do this on my own. My kids would go with him. STOP your spiraling again. Why, why, am I struggling? I have so much to be grateful for, why am I not happy.

Fall back asleep.

Dog wakes me up. He needs to go outside.

Have I slept at all?

I am too tried to workout in an hour.

Shoot I woke JJ up.

He didn’t sleep either. He is thinking about the class we have committed to teach. Crap when am I going to prepare?

Fall back asleep.

The alarm goes off. Time to get up.

I work out.

I have to eat healthy, make good choices, I can’t call in sick. I have too much to do. I can’t let people down. What was I thinking?

I am in a fog. Time to be Homemaker, Spouse, Mother, Friend, Church Member, Employee, Volunteer, ETC, ETC, ETC.

Now what?

Work, don’t think about it.

I can’t.

Let the crazy out. Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I feel good? If I can survive this month, then I will be okay. Right?!?, RIGHT?!?

RANT OVER, LUNCH OVER, GET BACK TO WORK

Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

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