Fear, Failure, and the Future

Trigger Warning: Triggers are different for everyone. You never know when they are going to show up. I am sharing in hopes of helping others. 

I show people I love and care about them by serving them. I love sharing my talent of cooking and baking to serve others as well as share my time and resources. I also serve others so I can focus them rather than my emotions. I am preparing for knee replacement surgeries my right in July and my left in September. The closer it gets I am spiraling once again. I am swing between depression and anxiety. I have also been more grumpy and I have been arguing with my husband and kids. As I have been discussing my emotions with my counselor we have discovered I am afraid of the surgery for multiple reasons.

I am afraid of the physical pain and getting addicted to the pain killers again. Yes, I said again. I had scopes done on both knees just over 5 years ago. I went into the surgery with the prospect of a 6 week recovery before returning to run and sports. NOPE, the surgery took longer and my knees were in worse shape than the images had revealed. I had a 6 month recovery with no return to the things I loved. No more going running to relieve my stress. My pain was so bad that I swore like a sailor. Which I am not proud of especially since my children were in the room. And I became addicted to the pain killers. That is when my sister introduced me to doTerra which supported my healing and also helped me detoxify from the addiction.

I am afraid of the asking for help. I don’t want to put people out or inconvenience them. I don’t want others to feel obligated. Due to my deep seeded feelings of not being wanted, good enough, or excepted as I am, I don’t want people to do it because they have to. I want people to help me because they want to help and because they care about me. During my last surgery, I had little help because I didn’t ask for it. I had very few people checking on me. On friend told me she didn’t think I need any help because I am “so strong”.

I am afraid I am not “strong” enough to manage the physical and emotional aspects of the surgery and life in general.

I am afraid of gaining more weight like I did during my last recovery, which I have not taken back off.

I am afraid of failure, I am afraid that the surgery will not be successful or that I will continue to be in pain and not be able to Hike, Bike, Camp, and Play with my family and friends like I enjoy.

Well as I have been wallowing in the fear my anxiety and depression have taken on a whole new spectrum for me. I am paralyzed to move forward some times. I can’t take the steps forward I need to to prepare for the surgery.

So I started reading You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life for the third time. Yes, I have to read, reread, learn and relearn. As I write this I realize if I am not practicing and using those things I have learn, I loose them. As I reread there was several things that have reawakened me resolve to move forward.

In You Are a Badass she hits fear on the head. She states, “On the other side of fear is freedom.” and she goes on to say, “Our greatest fears are the greatest waste of time. Face your fears with the truth, that they are all in your mind, and they will lose their power over you.”

She then states, “Nobody gets to the top of the mountain without falling on his face over and over again.” This was an aha moment. And reminded me of another quote I saw on Facebook. “Some quit due to slow progress. Never grasping the fact that slow progress….Is progress.” “The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information.”

Fear is simply imposing our past experiences on to our future. It only exists in our minds. It is not based in reality. I realized fear is also a choice. When a fear arises I can worry, stress, and focus on it or I recognize it and let go of it.

Our minds are a powerful. Thought truly become things and we receive what we focus on.

Yesterday, I practiced what I know. As a fear or worry showed up, I was thank God for the awareness and stated that I can choose something different. I focused on my vision board and those things I want. I focused on a strong, healthy body that I can use to hike, camp, play, and enjoy life with. I focused on an abundance of love, friendship, joy, prosperity, and service. And I focused on my family.

As I moved throughout my day I saw the possibilities that are available to me. I could visualize my family taking a vacation next summer where I was pain free. I was able to keep up with my children, enjoying nature, and playing to my hearts content.

I am researching the essential oils that can assist me manage my discomfort, aches, and soreness. I am grateful for those who have done studying on these essential oils that I have access to. A friend sent me the following study “Effect of eucalyptus oil inhalation on pain and inflammatory responses after total knee replacement: a randomized clinical trial. Jun YS1, Kang P, Min SS, Lee JM, Kim HK, Seol GH.”  And during an Essential Oils Institute Class I learned about all the benefits of Frankincense, as the king of oils,  is known to support healthy cellular function.* When inhaled or diffused, Frankincense promotes feelings of peace, relaxation, satisfaction, and overall wellness. It has also supports healthy immune, nervous, and digestive function when taken internally.*

I know as I apply the things I know and the things I am learning I can choose my future. I can overcome my fear by acknowledging it and choosing to change my focus. I am grateful for the experiences I have had that have brought me this insight. I also know that healing is a daily practice not a destination. I know that I have not failed, because I have not quit. I am excited to continue education about Essential Oils and share my knowledge with others. I am excited to be on the other side of my surgeries and to see what I am able to create with God’s assistance.

Everyone has his or her own journey. I honor Warrior for sharing hers with you. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

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