Just Kidding – It Doesn’t Take It Away

With each blog I write,  I want to start off by acknowledging that everyone has his or her own journey. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

I also want to acknowledge my parents for giving me life and doing the best they knew how. I know they were making the best decisions for their family as they were raising us. I am who I am because of my parents and their teachings, the trials and experiences I have gone through. I love my parents dearly and I am grateful for them.  I also know my parents do not fully understand some of the things I went through because they were not talked about. As a parent now I recognize that there is no right or wrong in parenting and that you have to make choices that you think are best at the time you are making them.

My first memories of being teased were in preschool. For one of the classes the parents wrote something “special” about their child to share with the class. My mom wrote about how she did not know she was pregnant with me until she got sick while riding motorcycles with my dad at the sand dunes. She got so sick she ended up at the hospital where she found out she was expecting me in 4 ½ months and that I was a surprise. Some of the kids teased me that I was a born on a motorcycle. I interpreted this as though I was not wanted and that surprises were bad. The teasing carried over to Elementary school from a couple of kids. They called me Harley Baby and shared their interpretation of my story with others.

I was an overweight child who had trouble reading, so you can imagine the numerous ways I was teased. I was called stupid, fat, ugly and every verse of that you can imagine. It didn’t help that at home my siblings teased me about my reading, grades and size. Many times when I was upset from being teased I was told, ‘They are just joking around”, “I was just kidding” or even “Don’t take it personal they are just teasing”. If apologies were given it was along the lines of “Sorry, I was just kidding”.

JustKiddingDoesn'tTakeItAway

Just kidding is not an apology, it doesn’t take the pain go away or stop the thoughts that go through your head. It always made me more insecure. I felt unwanted, less desirable than my friends and siblings. Those insecurities are still present today and a filter in which I experience the world. Since I was larger than my siblings and others at school, I would get physical when I couldn’t take the teasing anymore. Which would result in me being the one in trouble.

When I was in 3rd grade I was diagnosed with dyslexia. Which meant getting the help I needed, but it also meant another level of teasing because I was put into the resource class. I was called a retard by a few kids in my class, at home I was teased about the way I write and read, which continues to this day. (My husband edits my blog post so you will not see that.)

I got into fights at school in the 4th grade and 6th grade. The teasing continued in Junior High and High School. I learned how to laugh with everyone else and act like it was not a big deal. I had several friends, but even my friends teased me. I would think of ways to kill myself, but I would chicken out because I didn’t do well with physical pain and I was worried I would not be successful. I hated the way felt and wished I was dead.

I didn’t think anyone would love me. After I graduated from High School I met a few guys at church dances and went out on a few dates. I started dating a guy, but there wasn’t a real connection. I like the attention he gave me and I enjoyed dating. I stopped dating he because so weird things that started taking place.

My mom and a friend she worked with set me up on a blind date. The young man was attractive, a gentlemen and we had a lot of fun on the date. He showed interest in me and what I enjoyed doing. We went on several dates and I fell in love with him. Because of being teased and having a low self-esteem I did not recognize some of the signs and signals other saw. If someone said anything I thought they were over reacting. We got engaged and were married. I will refer to my first husband as X.

My relationship with X was full teasing which turn to verbal abuse. X would tease me if I read or said something wrong. He criticized my homemaking skills. He would take create for things that I did. He would tell me I was fat and needed to lose weight. It progressed to not letting me leave the house without my hair done and makeup on.

So not matter what others may say, words hurt. When someone says they are just kidding it doesn’t take what they said away. The pain is real, it causes insecurity, low self-esteem and emotional scars that affect the way you see the world. It is my hope that we can change the world by being more tolerant, more kind and more excepting of others as well as ourselves.

Luckily I met an amazing man who builds me up, loves me and see me for my potential. He knows everything I have gone through and is patient and kind as I deal with the fear and insecurity. We have been married for almost 15 years. He has stood by me through the nightmares, chemical imbalance, postpartum depression, and more. The last year has been one of the hardest for me, so he encouraged me to seek help.

I had been using essential oils to help with physical healing from knee surgeries, so I started learning more about using them for emotional healing. I became a dōTerra Wellness Advocate which put me on the current path I am on. I found a counselor who uses Energy Therapy along with the essential oils to clear the grasp abuse has on my life. As part of the counseling,  I have realized during my childhood our family had abusive behaviors including myself. I would yell and physically beat on my sibling when I couldn’t handle the teasing any longer. I know I can’t change the past or take back the actions from my past, but I can use the experiences from my childhood to teach my children and others. I want my children to grow up in a family that is built on  love and respect and where we support and build each other up.

My hope is that as I share my experiences and my process of healing I can help others find the strength and courage they need and start the healing process for themselves.

 

 

 

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