I have lived in fear for as long as I can remember. Fear of reading in front of people, of being made fun of, fear of not fitting in, of not being loved, etc. For the last 16 – 17 years fear of X finding me, finding out I have children, not being able to kept them safe and fear of someone harming me and/or my children.
As a teenager I kept a journal , but when my X started being abusive I wrote less and less. I was afraid of him reading it. I was also afraid of my future children reading it, especially reading things about their father. I had an internal battle of being in love with X and being afraid of him. I had a dream of being a mother, but I was afraid of what would happen to my children with the way he treated me. X was verbally, physically and sexually abusive. He demanded sex daily and often morning and night. If I didn’t comply he would forcibly rap me and then telling me it was his right because he was my husband. I was afraid to stay but I was equally afraid to leave. I was also afraid to tell anyone because of his threats.
Once I separated from X, I was even more afraid. I was one foot in and one foot out. I was still in love with him and afraid to be alone. There were two sides of this as well. He would apologize; tell me he loved me and that it would never happen again. Or he would be yelling and putting me down. I never knew which side of him would show up.
I moved back to my parents’ house while we were separated we went to marriage counseling. He would blame everything on me. At one point the counselor said he would no longer see us together and that we needed to have individual sessions. During my first individual session he showed me the Power Wheel of an Abuser and pointed out how bad it was. The counselor told me he would eventually kill me. Hearing that was very scary. I was afraid to continue counseling because I was afraid of running into X.
When I made the decision to get a divorce, I had to get a protective order at which time the police made him evacuate the house. I was able to move back home, but he didn’t leave me alone. He would show up at the house or call me, which violated the protective order. Each time X broke the protect order his family would bail him out of jail. Knowing that his family was enabling his behavior made me feel unsafe. What good was the protective order if he would be back out? I was afraid of going anywhere by myself. I was afraid of running into him or his family. Some days I was so afraid I was physically sick. I had nightmares about him breaking into the house or attacking me in public and every variation you can think of.
At one point X came to the church I attended and would not let me leave. It took 4 men to get him away from me so I could leave. I was not even safe to attend church. My Bishop counseled me to find somewhere to attend where he could not find me. I chose to attend with my older sister and her husband. I was afraid to let anyone know why I was attending there. We only told the Bishop and the Relief Society President (the woman’s organization in our church).
Eventually I got over the fear of people knowing, because I could not continue to be a victim. During one of the Sunday school lessons a gentleman made a comment regarding unrighteous dominion that I just couldn’t let go. I shared with the class that I was attending there because my husband was abusive. It was empowering and scary because I opened myself up to everyone opinions. Thankfully it was very positive. It was the first time I move through my fear. It is also what put me in the right place to meet my current husband, Jay Jay.
My fear did not always have a negative outcome. In the summer of after my divorce, I was afraid to attend a family reunion, because the park was in the same area that X was living at the time. Jay Jay and I were just friends, but he told me he would go with to reunion and keep me safe. He did that and more, but that will have to be its own story.
I was afraid getting remarried for several reasons. I had failed at marriage before, I felt unworthy of being loved. I was also afraid of intimacy but Jay Jay was committed to being open and honest about everything from our pasts as well as anything that came up during our relationship. He was so accepting, patient, loving and kind. I realized I didn’t know what it was like to be loved unconditionally until I was engaged to him.
After we were married the fears, insecurities and nightmares didn’t go away. In fact certain events along the way made them worse. Any news about X, especially him getting out a jail would make it so I didn’t want to leave the house. Each time I was pregnant the nightmares got worse. While I was fighting postpartum depression the fear consumed me. Jay Jay encouraged me to get help with the depression. I was able to work through the depression, fear and anxiety with the help of medication and the support of my family.
I was continually on the journey of self-discovery taking classes, reading self-help books and watching inspirational talks and videos. I would apply what I learned and work through the fear and anxiety. I would have times that the nightmares would go away I thought I was over the abuse. Unfortunately I could not stay in a place of safety and security. Anytime Jay Jay would travel for work the nightmares, fears and anxiety would creep back in. Anytime I saw a news story about domestic violence I relived my experiences.
I have come to realize that surviving the abuse and working through the fear each time it comes up is what has made me who I am. I know that each time I face a fear head on and not let it stop me I get stronger. I also know that giving into the fear doesn’t make me less of a person. I can choose daily to give into the fear or live through the fear.
Two or three months ago I got a very strong impression that I was supposed to help others. WOW did that ever kick up the fears. How I am supposed to help others? My ex is still out there. What if he finds out I am talking about him and my experiences? How am I going to keep my family and me safe? How? What? When? There were more questions than there answers. After prayer and divine guidance, I know that I am supposed to help others.
While attending Convention for an Essential Oil Company I was inspired, the way I could help others and make a difference started showing up. This blog is me living through my fears. I hope that I can inspire others to live through their fears. Get out of abusive or toxic situations. I hope to live by a quote from an unknown source a friend shared with me several years ago. I loved it so much that I made into a plaque. It states, “My past does not define me…nor does my future hinder me.” Here’s to finding strength and healing as I share my journey with others.
As with each blog I write. I want to acknowledge that everyone has his or her own journey. Our experiences may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes. Each of us may experience of the same event but we will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.
Here’s to YOU finding strength to start your own journey of healing!