Post contains view from my spiritual side. This may trigger those who have experienced spiritual/religious abuse. As with each blog I write, I want to start off by acknowledging that everyone has his or her own journey. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. We each have our own triggers and my intent is to aid in healing cause anxiety or pain. I also want to acknowledge that even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes. Each of us may experience the same event but we will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.
There where many times in my life when I would ask, “Why Me?” Why did I have to be fat? Why did I have to be dumb? Why was I being picked on? Why did I get myself into this situation or that? Each time the only answer I could come up with was that what something was wrong with me so that I desired the way I was being treated. I heard voices in my head and I thought I was CRAZY.
Some days the voices overwhelmed me, I could not shut them up and the more I tried the worse they got. I would try to act happy, play and “be normal” all while the voices where telling me things like:
• Nobody wants you around.
• If you were smarter people wouldn’t tease you.
• If you were skinny they wouldn’t make fun of you.
• You’re too fat to be loved.
• It’s your fault you’re so stupid.
• You are better off dead.
• Why would anyone love you?
• You’re not good enough.
• If you kill yourself, it will all go away.
• Why aren’t you normal?
• You’ll never catch up.
The list could go on and on.
It was not until my husband Jay Jay helped me understand the voices. He taught me that any time the voice said “You” or “Your” the voice was not coming from me. That I would not refer to myself in the third person. I started paying attention there seemed to be three different voices in my head. The first one was the loudest and darkest. It was the one I listed above. I have come associated that voice with that of Satan. He doesn’t want us to be happy he wants us to fail and give up. The second voice was my own and says, “I”. Like “I need to do …” The third voice is soft, peaceful and loving. I have come to associate that with the Holy Ghost and promptings from my Heavenly Father.
I have always questioned why I had to be dyslexic, over weight, teased, etc. I was depressed and wanted to die. I would try to think of ways to kill myself, but I was afraid I couldn’t even do that right. Don’t get me wrong; I have had plenty of moments of happiness and fun throughout my life. But those moments did not take the overlaying sadness away. It just masked them during the event; once I was alone I would hear the negative voices and would spiral deeper.
Through the years I have found that I can overcome those feelings of worthlessness when I am helping and serving others. I find joy in cooking, baking and candy making and sharing with others. When it brightens their day it makes me feel better. So I am learning to look outside myself on the days that I wish I was dead. Yes, I still have those days! Thankfully, when I think of my amazing husband and children I realize I would never hurt them and put them through that.
As an adult I have continued to have conflicts with my sisters. As I see others on social media posting how wonderful their sisters are and how their sisters are their best friends my heart breaks. I have served my sisters over the years thinking that it would make a difference. It was not until my counselor asked, “if they where not your sisters would they be in your circle of friends?” More then anything I wanted to say yes, sadly the answer was “NO”. I had spent 39 years of my life searching for equality and acceptance from my family with a lot of anger and heartache.
Once again I was left asking my Heavenly Father, “Why me, why can’t I be normal?” About 2-3 months ago the answer came it still small voice. “You need to help others who have been abused.” I have been prayerful, seeking for what that meant. I have always been afraid to do anything publicly, because I am still afraid of my X and him finding me and finding out I have a family.
Then during the doTerra Aspire Convention the pieces started unfolding. I was to go public, start a website, blog and social media to support others on their journeys. So “Why Me” I may never know, but if it helps just one person my life, my heartache and my journey have been worth something.
I write this blog for YOU. YOU are good enough. YOU are loved. YOU have a purpose. YOU are not alone. YOU are a child of God. I love YOU!
I want to thank my husband and children for being supportive and encouraging me on this journey. I would also like to thank and acknowledge my friends who along with my husband know my deepest darkest secrets and love me anyway. They gave me the strength to get counseling. They are also the ones who have inspired me to share my story and are my cheerleaders as I share it with you. I hope my dear friends you know who you are and know that I will be forever grateful for your love, support and the impact you have made on my family and me. I love you!