For as long as I can remember I wanted to be NORMAL; normal weight, normal size, normal student, normal person, normal reader, normal… The list could go on. I dreamed of dating, falling in love, getting married and living “Happily Ever After”, staying home to raise my children and caring for our beautiful home, growing old together and enjoying our grandchildren. Nowhere in my striving to be NORMAL did it include, being the breadwinner, depression, abuse and divorce.
A couple of months into my first marriage my X quite his job (I am not sure this is true. He may have been fired.) He said he hated it and needed something different. This became the pattern throughout or marriage. In the little over 2 years marriage he had 10 yes 10 different jobs with 2-3 weeks of unemployment in between with the same story.
It was not until he got a job at my dads company that I learn what he was like at work and that he was fired. I know it was really hard for my dad to tell me what he was being told about his son-in-law. By this time I knew it was true simply by the verbal, sexual and physical abuse I was going through. How could he be any different verbally with his co-workers?
I was still striving to act NORMAL; happy, outgoing, etc. Any time anyone asked how I was I would tell them that things were great. I had a job I loved making enough money to pay most of bills with the sporadic income from X. I learned how to be creative in our budget to make it work.
As I went through the separation and then divorce I no longer thought I could be normal. I was gaining weight, lonely, and lost. How was I supposed to fit in to a church that was focused on families and eternal marriage? I was “used goods” and who would ever love someone as broken and used as I was?
Gratefully my relationship with Jay Jay was NOT NORMAL. We were friends, he was dating other girls and attracted to petite girls. I knew he was out of my league. I grew up with several male friends and I enjoyed being one of the guys, so our friendship seemed very natural in that way. I was however attracted to him. Truth be told I had a crush on him in High School even though he didn’t know who I was. I knew who he was, I also had classes with 2 of his brothers.
When Jay Jay said he could see himself married to me I think my heart skipped a few beats with excitement and fear. I didn’t see myself worthy of him or love. I shared with him my fears, EVERYTHING I had gone through in my marriage and the fear of being intimate after being raped almost daily. He said he could handle it and we would take things slow. He was very respectful, gentle and loving. I had never been treated that way before. I thought once we were married everything would be better and I would feel NORMAL. Unfortunately, I compared myself to other women and the desires to be NORMAL; normal wife, normal size, normal… showed up even more.
I was afraid of anyone finding out that I was depressed or going to a counselor because what I was making it mean about myself. To me it meant I was broken, pathetic and crazy. But once I started opening up to my closest friends about what I was going through that I realized that NORMAL doesn’t exist. I was striving to be like some of my friends and they were striving to be like someone else. I also found that we each have our own insecurities and that no matter how others see us we see ourselves differently. We are our own worst critics.
Not only do we compare ourselves to our friends and neighbors we compare ourselves to fictional characters. Now more than ever magazines and their photoshopped images are what we aspire to be. Television shows and movies paint unrealistic pictures of what life should look like. Social Media is also adding to the unrealistic idea of NORMAL.
After the death of Robin Williams I had friends sharing honestly on social media about their lives. It gave me courage to do the same. For the first time in my life I am finding freedom in being who I am. My counselor is a Holistic Therapist and uses essential oils and energy work in our sessions. On my own I am using prayer, EFT tapping and Chakra work to help me heal. Daily I use Grapefruit oil to assist in my body acceptance, Balance, Lime & Citrus Bliss to assist in my depression, and Breathe to assist with my anxiety. I used Deep Blue, Peppermint and Past Tense to ease my physical pain. I know I am on the right path for my own health and healing.
I am grateful the world is changing and healing at whatever peace it may be. For those seeking to be NORMAL I hope you can find peace knowing you are not alone. May you find the strength and courage to start your journey of health and healing.
As with each blog I write. I want to acknowledge that everyone has his or her own journey and the experience may be similar but each one is unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through their own eyes. This means each person has a different experience of the same event and will recall and tell the story differently. When I write it is from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.