Warning: Post contains information that may trigger some people, but I feel it is important to share. Many people struggle with suicidal thoughts. I know suicide is not the answer, but I continue to struggle with it.
Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and my intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.
It’s amazing how emotions play such a huge part in our ability to deal with life. Some words, actions and even looks from others can trigger different emotions. For example, think of how you feel when someone smiles at you. For me I can’t help but smile back.
My oldest daughter and myself both deal with chemical imbalance, depression and suicidal thoughts. She also has anxiety. Recently both of us were experiencing our own problems on the same day which was difficult. I was emotional about the upcoming holiday and she was upset about her dad giving toys to her younger brother that she had been told for years where not to be touched. I had been grocery shopping and walked into the house with her in tears saying her dad didn’t love her.
Usually I would be able to talk her through it, but in this case, where I was struggling myself I didn’t know how to help. All I could think was, “It would have been better if X would have killed me than I wouldn’t be hurting or hurting anyone else”. As I thought of ways out, I realized if I did anything that my daughter would not be far behind. I also realized, that in my current state the reverse is also true. At that moment I went and talk to my husband to find out what was going on, then I went and talked to my daughter. I know that keeping open, honest communication with each other is what has to happen so we don’t let the darkness take over.
My first memory of wanting to kill myself was when I was in the 4th grade when a sixth grader was bulling me at school. I have struggled with it on and off ever since. I am grateful I had amazing people around me that have pulled me out of those dark times not knowing what was completely going on. The suicidal cycle seems to go along with the cycles of depression for me.
9 months ago was my first time I acted on those thoughts. I was in a dark place, I wanted to die, I stopped taking one of my medications knowing what could happen and hoping it would happen quickly. As the side affects started setting in, so did the reality of what it would do to my husband and children. That was the turning point for me. I told my husband what I had planned. He requested I get help and tell my closest friends so I would have a support system in place.
Admitting that I wanted to die, that I had a plan, and had started to execute it was very difficult. I felt scared, ashamed, and relieved all at the same time. Now that my husband and friends know, I have people to turn to on the bad days. I am providing a support team for my daughter as well, but I can’t protect her from everyone or everything. My pray is that I can find the strength daily, to continue to heal, use my support system and help others. I also pray that my daughter has the strength to use her support system and that she will always know she is not alone.
For me the suicidal thoughts are not always there. When they are there the intensity varies along with the actual planning. The more I am aware of my emotional state and what is taking place around me the easier it is for me to realize that suicide is not the answer. Suicide only causes more pain, anger and confusion for those left behind. If you find yourself in a suicidal cycle of your own. Please find a friend, family member or counselor you trust to help you find the strength to move forward and find healing to help you through. I am grateful my daughter and I have a great support system with our family, friends, counselors, Essential Oils.