Warning: Post contains information that may trigger some people, but I feel it is important to share.
Growing up our family was close. We spent Sunday’s at my Grandparents with our Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. I have a lot of fond memories of those times. Being close does not however mean we were open in our communications. One of my Grandfathers believed that children should be seen and not heard. Not in the way that we couldn’t play and have fun, but in we should not have or voice our thoughts and opinions. This also meant that we did not talk about depression, chemical imbalance, puberty, sex and any topic that is hard to discuss.
Of course this has continued. My family did not talk about my abuse while or even after I got out of it. While I was dating Jay Jay we discussed it more then I had with anyone. I was able to open up about my past, my insecurities and my depression, but I still held tight to my deep dark secrets. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was suicidal on and off from the time I was a teenager.
In January of 2014 I was spirally deeper and deeper down in depression. My nightmares of the abuse were increasing and I had a suicide plan and was putting the plan in motion. Jay Jay could see the change, he knew it was getting worse asked me what was going on, insisted I share what was happening with him. I was terrified to let me secret out. I was hurting so badly that I didn’t want to live anymore, but letting my secret out meant I couldn’t go through with it. I was embarrassed and scared. Admitting that I have fought suicide for various reasons and that I was in the processes made me feel even worse.
I can’t even tell you how the conversation went because I went numb. I felt my world unraveling. The next thing I remember was Jay Jay embracing me and telling me I no longer had a choice, I had to get help. I told him everything as I cried. I told him my suicide plan, where and how far I was in carrying it out. As we talked he asked me to reach out to my friends for support so that I had others I could talk to when he was not available and to find a counselor to help me work through the tough stuff that he did not know how to help me with.
I was so full of mixed emotions. I had just shared my deepest darkest secret and he wanted me to share it again. I as mortified. I didn’t want ANYONE, especially my closest friends know how broken I was. I didn’t want the to be their charity case. I went through a lot of different emotions and had a lot of conversations with myself in my head. This made me feel even more crazy and out of control.
The opportunity came at that end of a girls night out when one of my friends, who had been studying energy work, asked if I wanted her to run bars on me. “The bars” are about 20 bars of energy that run through 32 points in and around your head that store the electromagnetic component of all the decisions, judgments, thoughts, and beliefs that you’ve ever had about just about anything. There are bars for Healing, the Body, Control, Awareness, Money, Sex, Creativity, Power, and Aging to name a few. Each thought, idea, attitude, decision or belief that you have fixed in place solidifies the energy and limits your capacity to be generative in that area.
It was a very emotional and powerful process. There were areas that were blocked and that had to be worked through. This opened up things for discussion with those that witnessed it. So once again, I was sharing my secret with 4 friends. What happened from there was an out pouring of love, support & concern. I found I was not alone. They opened up as well. We became closer and continue to support each other today.
I have also opened up to my children on an age appropriate level. I want our children to come to us when they have a question or are struggling. I want them to know who they are, their thoughts, opinions and feelings are important and heard. I don’t want them to feel alone and carry dark secrets.
Having the hard conversations has been a blessing. Before having them, it felt overwhelming and scary. Sometimes they are still scary, but they are no longer overwhelming. I still have to take time to ponder before starting them, but as I practice they are getting easier.
Everyone has different “Hard Conversations”. They are not always just about your deep dark secrets, but then again they may be. The hard conversation may be regarding depression, suicide, eating disorders, sexuality, money or any number of things. I understand how difficult and overwhelming it can be, but my hope is that you will reach out to someone and find your support system. You have great worth. You are important to your friends, family & the world. Regardless of how alone you feel, you are not. If you are not ready to reach out to someone you know, find a counselor, support group, or even send me a private message on my Facebook page or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and my intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.