I am not a counselor, I am on a journey of health and healing from abuse, chemical imbalance and depression. I want to help others find there own journey of health and healing.
I love the discovery that happens after a counseling session. I never realized that abuse hurts so deeply because of the love you have for the abuser. I was torn between the darkness of the abuse, the desire to be loved and accepted and the love I had for my X. I am realizing it is okay to acknowledge the love I have for my X. There were happy times and special memories which is why I loved him.
I am realizing it is okay to love the person, accept what took place, forgive him and MYSELF and move on. Acceptance does not mean I approve of the behavior. I just means I accept that it happened. I have spent way too much time placing blame on myself for what took place. If I had not done X, then he wouldn’t have done Y and the Z would have happened instead. As I look back I am coming to understand the concept of it is not true because it is not what happened.
Separating what happened from what I have been making it mean about myself and my life is difficult. I have been making it mean that I am not good enough, I should have been better, I could have done things differently and/or that my life is not worth living.
Accepting that I made choices, he made choices and we made choices together. There where spoken and unspoken expectations on both sides. I loved him and my childhood contributed to what I thought was NORMAL. As I accept my past I open up the ability to forgive myself and him.
Forgiveness does not mean I approve of the behavior. I just means I forgive myself for my part and allowing him to treat me the way he did. It means forgiving him for his lies, words and actions. It means forgiving his parents and family for not warning me of his past. Forgiveness will free me from the hold the abuse has on me.
Once I am able to embrace the love, accept what happened, forgive those involved including myself I will be able to move on. Moving on does not mean I let the abuse continue or that it didn’t happen, it means it no longer has a hold on me and my life. It means letting the healing continue and focusing more on the present and future.
My hope is that the nightmares and the fear will lessen as I work through these steps. I know that it is a work in progress. My journey of healing is far from being over, but I feel like I am headed in the right direction. There will always be events that trigger memories, emotions and nightmares, but I believe the more I work through the process of love, acceptance, forgiveness and move on the easier the cycle will get.
I invite you to try the process with me. Acknowledge the love, accept what happened, forgive everyone including yourself and move on to your future. Love yourself, allow yourself the time to heal and as Chad Hymas said, “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”
As with each blog I write I acknowledge that everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and my intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.