Getting Out Getting Help

Warning: Post contains information that may trigger some people.

It is difficult for the victims of Domestic Violence to get out and stay out of an abusive relationship. Fear being injured or killed keeps many people in the abusive relationship, and their concerns are legitimate. My X threatened to kill me if anyone found out about what he was doing to me. Which is one of the reasons I stayed as log as I did. Last year I shared, Getting Out of My Abusive Marriage. Risk of death or injury to a victim is greatest when leaving an abusive relationship or shortly thereafter. NNEDV reports that “on average, three women die at the hands of a current or former intimate partner every day.”

Just as each abusive relationship is different getting out is also different. The first step of getting out is acknowledge the behavior as abusive. Behavioral patterns where one person controls another person with any of the following in any combination is abusive:

  • teasing/put downs
  • manipulation
  • blaming you for everything
  • gaslighting
  • threatening you
  • pushing
  • hitting/slapping
  • choking
  • kicking
  • biting
  • controlling the finances
  • controlling what you wear or how you look
  • threatening your children or other family members
  • threatening suicide to get you to do something
  • using or threatening to use a weapon against you
  • forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
  • keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

You may eventually face your abuser in court to get a protective or restraining order, win a custody battle, or get a divorce to ensure that the abuse will not continue. Be sure to document the abuse by doing as many of the following as possible:

  1. keep a dated journal
  2. save any abusive messages or email
  3. take pictures of any physical abuse
  4. get copies of doctors notes and/or medical records
  5. call the authorities when he is abusive

(This is something I was not good at. I was afraid X would find them.)

You also want to have copies of all your important documents and keep them safe. Once you leave, he’s not going to politely hand over your tax records, birth certificate and insurance information.

Abusers often lead victims to believe that the abuse is the victims’ fault. It’s not your fault your partner acts aggressive, violent, or manipulative towards you. Abusers generally have thoughts and behavior patterns caused by deep-seated emotional and psychological problems. These problems are unlikely to resolve themselves and usually require professional help.

One of the most important things about getting out is regaining some of your power. You will need to prepare yourself by creating an escape plan. To protect yourself, you’ll want to eliminate ways for your abuser to intrude on your life or sabotage you in any way, block the abuser on your phone, email, and social media, change your passwords and have a separate bank account. You will also need to protect yourself from being found once you escape.

Because victims are beaten down they are too embarrassed to tell their friends and family. But this is not something you can go through alone. If you cannot go to friends or family find local resource. You need to share that information with at least two people. which may not be easy.  You will need to create a list of people you trust and safe places you can go to for help when you leave. Keep in mind the people on your list shouldn’t be the first people that your abuser would think of you going to.  You should also avoid being alone in places you frequent and always be aware of your surrounding. You may need to consider shopping at a different grocery store, attending a different gym or church.

Technology is great, but it can also be dangerous when you are trying to get out. Cell phones can make it easy for your abuser to track you down. If you take your cell phone with you make sure you turn off your location. The internet has tutorials on how to track people by there cell phone as well as how to track a lost cell phone which your abuser can do if you are on the same cell phone account.

As you create your escape plan it is a good idea to prepare an emergency bag. You will need to keep it in a place that is easy for you to access, but not easy for your abuser to find. Consider including clothes (for you and any children), some but not all of your money, a spare key to the car and a spare prepared cell phone loaded with your emergency numbers. It is also important to leave your vehicle full of gas and easily accessible. Know quickest routes to leaving your house and getting into the car, and if you have children, have them practice with you. Remember, it is very important that you don’t announce that you are leaving him as that may provoke your abuser. If you plan to stay in the home and kick out your partner, you will also need to have a rock solid plan in place. Before making this choice, please get all of the professional advice you can pertaining to your specific situation. Make sure you have the resources in place including getting a protective or restraining order and having the locks changed.

Read additional articles getting out:

  1. Help for Abused and Battered Women Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Domestic Violence.
  2. 5 Ways To Get Your Power Back And End Emotional Abuse

Making the decision to get out of an abusive relationship and taking the steps to get out is extremely difficult. Once you are safely out of an abusive relationship it is time to begin your recovery. As you’re recovering it can be very tempting to dwell on the past. Most victims of abuse have suffered emotional or psychological trauma from their relationship. You may suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or depression. It will take time, but it is important you go through a healing process. You don’t want to get into a relationship with another abuser in the future, so it is important not skip healing process.

There are several way to start the healing process. I believe it is important to do as many as possible:

  1. Taking on new routine, hobby, and interest.
  2. Read books and watch videos about energy healing.
  3. Attend a domestic violence support group.
  4. Find a therapist who specializes in domestic violence.
  5. Learn more about essential oils.

I think it is important to get as much information out about getting out of abusive relationships. Read additional articles getting out:

  1. Help for Abused and Battered Women Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Domestic Violence.
  2. 5 Ways To Get Your Power Back And End Emotional Abuse
  3. Marriage doesn’t equal ownership or automatic consent
  4. Getting Ready to Leave
  5. Abusive Relationships

Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

 

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