Everything that kills me makes me feel alive!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and it has been 3 years since I wrote my first blog for Beyond Abuse Essential Healing “Opening a Dialog About Abuse“. I have learned a lot about myself as I have opened up about my life. I am continually growing and discovering. The last several months have been difficult physically and emotionally because of going through 2 knee replacement surgeries. It has not been easy for me having to rely on others to do basic things like preparing meals, grocery shopping, and getting to appointments.

A few nights ago, I pace the hall working through the pain I am in from my knee replacement surgery the lyrics from the song “Counting Stars” by One Republic echo in my mind. “Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.” At first it was annoying, then I had that awe ha moment. The painful recovery has made me appreciate that times when my body was health and strong. As I laid back down in bed, more thoughts flooded my mind. It was a light bulb experience for me.

What? Everything that kills, saddens, hurts, etc gives me something to compare to that is positive. Without pain we could not understand pleasure, without sadness we could not understand happiness, ect. What would life look like if each time there was a new experience or trial I looked at it through this new prospective? In addition what would it look like pared with a concept a dear friend taught me few years ago. He said when faced with challenges or trials ask yourself “What am I supposed to learn from this experience?” rather than getting asking “Why is this happening?” or “Why me?”.  While I am not always good at practicing the concept from my friend when I have it has made a difference.
Looking back on my life and experiences I am amazed by the things I have learned, as well as similar trails or challenges repeatedly. I believe that we learn line upon line, precept on precept, and that we learn here a little there a little depending on what we are open and ready for. However, the timing of these awe ha moments still surprise me.
I have had a variety of experiences in my life both positive and negative. I am realizing how blessed I am. Experiences from my life have shaped my views, beliefs, and personality. They have shaped the way I interact with people and how I parent. Some of which are positive while others are not. For example I am a planner, worrier, caregiver, passionate, loving, and loyal all of which add to my anxiety and and allow me to get hurt easily.
I realized the experiences from my childhood such as being bullied, and the abuse from my first marriage have shaped how we are teaching our children to treat each other and other people. In addition it has made me appreciate the relationship I have with JJ and the way are marriage works. I am grateful for the respect and love we shared. These experiences have helped me have compassion and empathy for others in similar situations. I have also learned how to serve others from the examples of my parents and grandparents and recently I have been able to graciously accept service from others.
As I lay in bed not able to get comfortable I appreciate the hundreds of nights where I sleep comfortably. I also reflected on the fact that I have a beautiful home, with food, clothing, running water, flushing toilets, and many more modern comforts. Along with that JJ and I have jobs as well as our own business we are starting together. We have the freedom to choose the life style we want to live. Our children are able to do sport, music lessons, and other extra curricular activities. We are able to go to the movies occasionally, go out to each, and go on vacations together.
Each of us has our own unique set of experiences that allow us to have a wide range of emotions and reactions to those experiences. We then have the opportunity to learn and grow from them or to complain and throw ourselves a pity party. Our attitude is was determine our altitude and our thoughts shape our reality. I have chosen to share my experiences through this blog in hopes of helping others who are going through similar experiences. Many times I have felt so alone in my experiences, but as I continue to share them I find others who can relate. My hope is for other to know that they are not alone.
Everyone has his or her own journey. We each have our own triggers and interpretations of life. My intent is to add in the healing process not cause anxiety or pain. Our experience may be similar but they are each unique. Even though many people could have been at the same event each person experiences and remembers those events through our own eyes and will recall the event differently. My blogs will be from my perspective of my life. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or Therapist. I believe it is important to work with Doctors, Counselors and Therapist along with Essential Oils, Energy Healing and spirituality to find health, healing and balance.

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